Sunday, May 19, 2013


If I hear one more guy tell me how all women are just crazy I'M JUST GOING TO ....

Have to sit them down and calmly explain how wrong they are plus a whole host of topics crazy people like me can burn through very quickly.

Why yes, kind sir, I do have boobs, and am of the female sex. I am very sorry to have to inform you, however, that I am of sound mind, know (as much as anyone) what I want and am very, very unlikely to say ... key your car or show you real crazy. I say unlikely, because there is still a possibility of one of those two things occurring and which one it is, is entirely dependent on the level of tool you are.

If you are a level C tool (ie: you're drunk and annoying just go away)

We probably just won't speak again and you shouldn't be stalking my blog. We probably met at a more than depressing, post-10pm event and I probably only spoke to you to tell you that you spilt your beer on my friend. I'm sure you are adorable sober and you have a family who thinks you are just the bees knees, but you thinking I am a "crazy like all the rest of em" girl because I tried to explain the basics of gravity (and courtesy) to you isn't the turn you wanted to take tonight and you need to go ahead and recalculate your route to the opposite direction. Lets just not.

If you are a level B tool: (ie: we have mutual friends or i will see you again and not want to speak to you)

You can bet your sweet tool ass I'm going to give you a little taste of crazy lady. How I'm going to go about this is directly related to what day of the week it is. If it's a weekday you are one fortunate dude, I haven't got a lot of time to school you ... but I have a little. I'll probably just give you enough of a talking to (about anything really), to make you feel awkward and begin eyeing the nearest emergency exit. If it's a weekend, you lucky duck, I have ample time on my hands and probably nothing better to do with it. I am going to buy you an express ticket to crazy town and there will be no rest stops. I'm not going to be mean, just really, horribly, face-clawingly weird. I'm going to try and discuss seasonal root vegetables and how pretty your hair looks in the same paragraph as kittens and how I'm single and looking and you could be the one. When I am done with you, you are going to avoid me so hard and I'll love it.

If you are a level A tool: (ie: we dated or you dated my friend and have shown your suppressed tool ways)

We can have some crazy lady fun. You should have known better. I'm not going to explain it, I'm going to leave it up to your imagination because by now you probably know what I'm capable of. It'll start small. A reminder that I'm still around and still pissed. Then I will make you wait until I'm good and ready to ninja you where it hurts ... and if you're reading this and thinking, hey don't I know this chick? ... consider this post your reminder.

In short all I really wanted to get at was that not all us women are just crazy. Before you tell us we are, please figure out which tool category you fit in to and have a good think about what you're about to say. We are crazy serious and crazy clever. We are crazy patient when we need to be and we are crazy creative.

But you already knew all that didn't you baby?